confessions
Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003 - 10:14 pm

well, like i said, everything looked better in the morning. we're fine now. we both hate fighting. it just has to be sometimes.

so i just realized that i confessed a whole lot about me in that last entry. i confessed that i see davis. i should probably add him to my cast page now. he's such a nice guy and i blow him off a lot, which makes me feel like a horrible person. especially since i'm not paying him anything (indirectly i pay him, yes, but i dont make out an astronomical check every time we see each other). i feel guilty when i stand him up. he always says he jots down that i must be doing better during the times when i dont see him. usually i'm not doing any better. i've either forgotten or deliberately not gone out of pure selfish feelings. what selfish feelings? probably not wanting to talk and not wanting to cry. i'm not very good at talking to him unless i'm in a good mood. this is true for my talking to anyone tho. i'm very quiet and shy when i'm not in a good mood. anyway, i really do take him for granted, but he has really helped me. i actually am not looking forward to graduating because then i wont have anyone to help me. it would be hard to pour out all those awful reasons i go see davis in the first place to someone else. to start anew. to have to trust another person with my life story.

anyway, i also confessed that i cut. you may have noticed the cutters diaryring, but it's not that prominant, so probably not. i dont know exactly when i started cutting. i remember i would stick myself with pins when i was younger. it's a heck of a lot easier to make up a story about a pin prick... and also a lot easier to clean up, hide and heal. but after a while pin pricks weren't enough. most of the time i'd grab a kitchen knife, sometimes some broken glass. most of my scars faded... i would do a bunch of small shallow cuts instead of one deep cut most of the time. it was easier to hide this way and much less messy. anyway, i only have a couple you can still see... one is from last summer, on my arm. it's small and no one notices unless they're looking, so i dont get funny looks. i remember encountering a cutter when i was getting my prom dress fitted one year. she was getting hers hemmed and she had scars all over her arms and chest. she saw me looking and just sneered at me. she had no idea i was like her. although i'm probably not like her. i think she liked showing hers off. mine were personal.