today was an interesting day for me. i had an interview at a school up north that i was basically just going to for the experience. it's a school for "disabled" students. now, it's a high school, but the students can be from 14 to 21 years old! i'm 22 - now that would be just plain weird. anyway, turns out they really aren't all that disabled. SOME of them have learning disabilities, but most of them just have emotional/behavioral problems. so basically it's all the kids who dropped out or would have dropped out of regular school (or in some cases, they were expelled from school). fantastic. it's a room full of students who are every teacher's worst nightmare. thank goodness the whole school consists of only 70 students. anyway, i went into the interview knowing i didn't want the job. i just wanted to have a real interview at a school. to see what kind of questions they'd ask me and what to be prepared for at a job i really wanted. haha. anyway, as i was talking to her and trying to convey my desire to teach i realized that maybe that's not what i want to do. ever since college i've been really torn as to what i really want to do as a profession. i mean, i'd love to be an actor professionally, but it's SUCH a competitive environment. not to mention it costs a lot of money to get yourself out there and noticed in order to make any kind of money in return. but since graduation i've been looking into theaters that need educators. i think that may be something of interest to me. i'd be working in a theater, my love, i'd be able to work closely with productions i'm sure... but then i'd still be able to work with the youth and be able to pass along my love of the theater and my knowledge. i dont have any clue if it would be something i'd be doing and/or loving for the rest of my life... but i would really like the chance to be able to explore the option. of course my uncle thinks i should just go back to school and get a masters so i can teach theater at a university or college. i would really like to do that, but number 1: i dont have the money to go back to school; and number 2: i dont know where my life is headed just yet... i dont want to pin myself down at the moment. i want to leave myself open for whatever cubee and i want to do once he graduates. if he and i can go somewhere and do something together, i want to be able to pick up and go right away without having to give something up that i've committed myself to. i dont know. it's really making me think though. i'm already 22... shouldn't i know exactly what i want to do with my life? shouldnt i have figured this out during the last 4 years of my life? i always take the back seat towards everything... it's a shame really. i kind of let things come to me rather than going out and getting things myself. which is a shitty way to do anything. i'm not saying i always do that, but it's my fall-back-device. anyway. hopefully i'll figure something out soon.

in other news... thanksgiving was good. it was nice to see my cousins again. i felt like i haven't seen them in forever. i probably haven't, i can't remember. either way, it was good to see them and talk to them again. i think i can finally relate to them again. when we were younger it was easy because they thought i was cool and we all just wanted to play. but for a while i've been too old for them. i've been too adult to play so much with them, but not adult enough to not hang out with them at holiday gatherings. haha. we're the three kids... even though they're 13 and 15 and i'm 22. anyway, now that ray is 15 i can relate to her more. she's maturing and has some of the same interests as i do. and i can still relate to high school better than i can relate to elementary school, haha. anyway, i'm thinking of planning a day out for ray and i so we can hang out again. not sure what to do though. i know her hair is rebelling right now and she'd appreciate some help with that... but most salons will just try to sell her things they sell in their shop and not necessarily the right products for her hair. so i'm going to have to do some research about where to go if that's what i decide to do. and i should really decide soon since christmas is coming up quickly. haha. oh well. i'll think about it.

speaking of christmas. i still need to buy stuff. i haven't gotten enough stuff for cubee. and i keep going to the mall and coming home empty-handed. i have no clue what to get him. i think i may have thought of one thing... but i have to really think about it because i'm not quite sure. that and the fact that i'm rapidly running out of time. especially since i'm going out to hershey next saturday for the day. and then there's only one weekend left before christmas! arg! haha. i need to get on that. soon.