i'm a dumbass
Saturday, May. 07, 2005 - 8:31 pm

random thought: oy


so this weekend i came to visit cubee at school for the last time. he graduates in two weeks. scary, huh? anyway, it's been... interesting. we haven't done much of anything. last night we hung out with some of his friends at a frat house that he always goes to. a couple of his friends are brothers, so he's like always welcome there. anyway, we watched this movie underworld. only we missed the first half, so i was kinda lost. that and the fact that i couldn't hear a lot of it because of the guys playing beer pong right behind us. but it was interesting. i think it'd be worth it to sit down and see the whole movie some time. but then we went upstairs to play pool and i said something really stupid. it was embarassing to cubee and then of course his friends like blew it up and really reemed him for it. and it was all my fault. and i felt horrible, but that's not really the place to have a heart to heart, so we kinda just let it go. but i could tell he was really mad at me. he stopped talking to me, barely looked at me, didn't touch me... i felt like such a loser. but then we got drunk and the opportunity to make amends just kind of slipped away as we passed out. so this morning we talked and i guess we straightened it out. but damn was i a dumbass. i dont know why i do things like this. this is not the first time i've really hurt the feelings of one of my friends by saying something dumb. i just dont know how i could do it someone i love so much. i mean, he means the world to me and yet i can just say something so hurtful. i'm really bad at that... i talk without thinking. it works to my advantage sometimes because it makes a lot of what i say funnier because i can be witty fast, but it's become hurtful sometimes. and sometimes it's hurtful to someone who's right there and sometimes it's hurtful to someone who isn't there... and then that's even worse. because i shouldn't do that to people. i would hate to have that done to me. and i'm sure it happens. but i'd hate to accidentally walk in somewhere where someone's saying something about me and then be hurt like that. and i should realize this and not do it anymore. so that's something i need to work on. soon.

but i think that i can do that easier now that i'm thinking about it. because i've been looking into this Kabbalah thing. and one of thier big princibles is the red string you see everyone wearing. and that has to do with the evil eye. and pretty much the evil eye is when you think or say negative things about someone else or when they do it to you. so wearing my red string as a reminder not to do such things should help me out with that. the sad thing is that last night was my first day wearing the red string and look where that got me. i'm not off to a good start. but from now on, i'm going to try to be more careful. i feel absolutely awful about what i did and hopefully that will have some impact on what i do in the future.

but anyway, cubee's sleeping and i should wake him up so we can get some dinner or something. i'm starting to get hungry again.