fighting sucks
Tuesday, Jul. 05, 2005 - 10:22 pm

random thought: no good can come from this...


ugh... pissed right now. sometimes i admit i can be a bit harsh... but i was trying to alert my boyfriend of a situation that we're in that could be easily avoided or even made better, but it's like talking to a brick wall. sometimes he really shows his true colors of being a Leo (hard-headed!)

all day long at work i've been made brutally aware of the fact that my job is quickly coming to a halt. i will have to take at LEAST a month off very soon. and not by choice. and it won't be a paid vacation. so of course that makes me think that instead of just sitting around waiting to do this again, i should look for a new job. something better. maybe with benefits. anything really. and with this thought of my having to get a new job that made me think of cube and how he also is looking for jobs. here's where the major difference comes in. i look for work. he's looking for job. don't understand the difference? ok, let me clarify. i look for an income - this job is money in the bank. i dont really enjoy it. i dont use my degree (although i needed to prove i had one in order to work there). but it's MONEY. it's fairly stable... except for this mandatory month of august off thing. on the other hand JOB is using your degree. i tried looking for that when i graduated too and wound up in a shit hole hardly using my degree anyway and got into this instead. but he refuses to look for work, for money, he's looking for "something in [his] industry." he claims that people in his industry are different - they dont care if he has work experience that isnt related to the field... they all want him to jump out of college into a job in his field. and he therefore refuses to get work.... he must find a JOB. understand now?

so i should have known going into this conversation that i was going to lose. but i tried anyway. and lost. my favorite quote: "im not looking for a dream job, im looking for any job in my industry." yeah, that's pretty much a step down from your dream job anyway. my dream right now is to get a job in my industry! right now i'm in limbo just working to bring in money so that i can save up for a future expense that i thought we'd be sharing together - like maybe moving in together or something. and this is what he says to me: "because your job is running out, im supposed to hurry up and get a job so we can both move?" oh for gods sakes. in my futile attempt to explain to him how i came upon this thought in my head that he should try to get just any old job instead of something in his career (by telling him that my new job search sparked the thought in my head) somehow means that i'm trying to pressure him into getting a job. forget it. i dont even WANT to move in with him now. just for being so full of himself like that. like i'm the one pressuring him to get a move on. hello? who's the one that's been sitting on her thumbs for close to 6 years while keeping up a secret relationship and putting up with any sudden cancelations that may come up because of said secret relationship? i have done nothing but wait on him for this whole relationship and suddenly i speak up and say i'd really like him to take a step for once and i'm the bad guy.

sure, if all was perfect in the world, he'd get a dream job right now and we'd move in together and start living our lives right now. or even better, we'd both find our dream jobs right now. but apparently it doesn't matter what i do, it all depends on him. if he stops not working and starts working just for money then CLEARLY there is no way to salvage the situation. so obviously there is no hope for me. i'm apparently a huge failure who couldn't get a dream job now even if i cut off my left leg for the simple fact that i've begun working outside my industry. in this situation i am clearly the loser and he is obviously the winner. according to him waiting a year or more just for any old job is totally worth it.

i guess what i've just realized is that maybe this relationship isn't working for me anymore. maybe loving the person and the time we have spent together isnt enough. perhaps plans for the future can truly hinder any hope for just that. simply talking about where one would like to see oneself in a year can apparently destroy all hope for getting there. i obviously need to take some serious time to re-evaluate my life and where i THOUGHT i was going as opposed to where i am going now since i'm most likely going to have to rough it for a little while.

of course, who knows. i could be reading this entry just two days from now and say to myself - how could i feel that way? i was just angry and hurt. that was stupid of me to say. maybe i'll even delete this entry and pretend it never exsisted. but right now, this is how i feel.

sad. lonely. misunderstood.