blame canada
Sunday, Sept. 04, 2005 - 7:33 pm

random thought: love hurts


well, i'm a lot better than i was... but i'm not normal yet. i still hate canada. i hate hearing about canada. even though it didn't happen in canada... i still hate it. i hate looking at his pictures of canada. they're so beautiful that i hate it. i hate knowing he had fun while he was there. even though it's great that he did. part of me just wants him to be miserable. and he isn't. he completely isn't. that vacation was probably the greatest time he's had in many years, which is awesome. except i wish he hadn't. it's rude of me, but it's true. it's how i feel. and every day he has places to go, things to do... with his relatives. and they don't leave until the 15th of september. that's 11 days from now. AND the day before our 6 year anniversary. who knows what the heck is going to go on for that. not a damn thing, i'm sure. it's sad really. we should be able to celebrate or something. but unfortunately, we're not. that's besides the point. that would happen no matter what... even if this mess had never occured.

he came over yesterday and it made me feel a ton better just to be able to see him again. i hit him a couple times, i cried... but it made me feel better. but i had a dream last night i beat him up. i just kept hitting him and he finally had to hold my arms down to make me stop. eh... won't happen for real. even though i want to hit him, it's not really going to make me feel better. at least i dont think it would. but every time i hear something about canada OR japan, my heart jumps. i hate it. i just want to go back to the way things were. PLEASE. can't someone wave a magic wand and make this disappear?

august 30, 2005 was the worst day of my life so far.