ayah...
Thursday, Sept. 08, 2005 - 12:25 am

random thought: i suck at dealing with emotions


i was feeling so much better recently. cube and i had a huge emotional breakthrough on monday and i was feeling quite good. but then today he posted all the pictures he took while he was on his trip. just looking at them made me upset again. i think maybe because in the pictures of him and his cousin i keep looking at her wondering what she's thinking. was she thinking she wanted my boyfriend? i mean, he's hot... but that's her cousin! it just brought up the bad feelings all over again. and i hate it. and for some reason i'm feeling completely unreasonable about this whole trip. i feel extremely jealous that he went there and had fun. but i can't tell if i feel that way BECAUSE he went and had fun, or because of what happened afterwards. i'm thinking it's most likely what happened after. i was a little jealous before that happened just because i've never been to canada and i would have like to have gone. but i didn't feel like this before. i didn't feel this horrible jealousy. i want to hit myself. i feel like i'm being completely idiotic. there is no reason to feel this resentment towards him for going on vacation. and i know i dont really feel it towards him. i resent that he went somewhere with someone who subsequently made a move on him. i need to get over this.

and for some reason... when i try to talk about this with him, i always wind up saying things i know the answers to. it makes me sound like i dont trust him at all, but i do. i know he never meant for this to happen and i know he'll never do it again, but i keep brining it up. do i think that will make me feel better? it's like i think that making him constantly screw up his face and tell me that he messed up and will never do anything ever again is something i need to hear over and over again. it's nice to hear, i'm not going to lie, but i know it already. i dont tell him every day that i'm not going to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, so why should he have to? he's so sweet telling me that i can hit him... but i really dont want to. what good would that do?

sometimes i feel like such an ass... such an idiot. is this too long to be feeling this way? is there some kind of expiration date on this kind of stuff? is it even healthy to feel like this? i dont know what to do in this situation. i've never been through this before, which is good... but i dont even know anyone else who's been through this that i could talk to. i feel like i dont belong in my own skin. i want to move on from this, but i am simultaneously shooting myself in the foot with my own feelings. it's like i can't control them anymore. just when i think i'm fine, i surprise myself with how not fine i am. it's really frustrating. especially since i know pretty much exactly why i'm getting upset and i can't explain why it's bothering me. like with the pictures. i know that the reason i feel upset about the pictures is because i can't help but think that she was attracted to him the whole time. but since i know the reason, why can't i get past it quicker? in an instant, i knew what was wrong... but it took me a little bit to explain to MYSELF why i was upset and why i should not be anymore. it's really annoying.

i guess i'll feel better once i can go a whole day without thinking about it. i'm not there yet. but i've gotten to the point that when i think about it, i can quickly dismiss it without any negative effects on my emotions. the only problem is when i discover something new to feel upset about... because then it kind of snowballs and brings back all the old feelings as well... but thankfully i can come back to a calm state much quicker than i could before. i guess i just need time. i just thought i was doing so well yesterday... i thought i was cured magically. but i was mistaken. i guess it's better i know. this way i wont fool myself by telling myself that i'm a-ok when i'm not. i'm better, but i'm not 100%