still confused
Tuesday, Sept. 13, 2005 - 12:09 am

random thought: the world is spinning


so yeah... three days until my 6 year anniversary with cube. i dont know what to make of it. i still feel very confused about the whole incident. i know i love him and i know i want to work through this, but the uncertainty is eating at me. not matter how often or how emphatically he tells me he'll never do this again, i always go back to thinking... why did this happen in the first place? we put complete trust in each other. neither of us ever did anything to make the other question that. there was one time i got drunk at a party and went a little too far with my gay best friend... but as soon as it started, i stopped it and to me, that's different than this. there were no mind-altering substances in use in this situation. i just really have no clue what happened in his head so that for a split second he wasn't thinking about me or the repercussions of his actions. i've asked him about this and still have not gotten an answer. i dont want to rush it because i want whatever he's going to say to be the full truth as honestly as he can say it. but i guess just this not-knowing is making me uncomfortable. as much as my heart knows that he'll never do this again... how do i know that this state of mind will not inhabit him again? i need to know how it got there in the first place... what happened to make that situation occur the way it did. i'm just confused.

i feel tons better tho.... it's been two weeks now. my emotions are sensitive, i can break at any moment from any small thing that i would normally shrug off... but i'm a lot better. but i still need time... and answers... and i have no idea what to expect.