6 years... 6 years ago today was the day that cube and i decided to try our luck with being a couple. it was a rocky first year, but we made it through. we stayed together during the time when most young people find their future significant others... college took it's toll on both of us. we spent years being hours apart from each other. me being in central PA and him in upstate NY. but we did everything we could to get together as often as possible. we took weekends away from our college friends, perhaps missing some really great parties, in order to spend some time together. it was hard for both of us, but we knew that we wanted to make it work. both of us knew it was meant to be. we had to make it through those really hard times so that we could have it easier down the road. as cube said himself, "nothing worth having was ever obtained without some kind of sacrifice." we have truly made sacrifices to be together. it's amazing to me, today, that we actually made it this far. when we first started this journey i wanted it to last, but i honestly did not imagine it could have. everyone always hears about the high school sweethearts who go to college in different places and fairly quickly word gets back to one that the other was not faithful, or the distance is too much to bear, or they figure out that it was just a high school crush and they don't remain together. or even of the high school sweethearts who want badly to remain together and therefore go to the same college where one of them doesn't really want to go and blames the other for the unhappiness of the situation which just eats them alive until they also can no longer remain a couple. it's very few and far between that you hear a story of true love... where a pair of high schoolers fall in love and live their lives apart only to keep coming back together... where they marry and have kids and live happily ever after. i've only heard a few of these stories, but i've heard plenty of the others. so you can see, even though i wanted to believe that we would make it, i was skeptical.

i still don't feel like my normal self. i've discovered that i will not get an answer as far as the state of mind that cube was in when the incident occured. i understand that it's hard to analyze something like that, but apparently it's harder than i thought it would be. i still feel uncertainty when i think of my trust in cube. it hurts me that i can't trust him fully, i want to, but i just can't yet. in time, this will get easier. unfortunately this whole process really came at a bad time. i haven't said anything on here previously, but i've been trying to lose weight. i joined a gym and started dieting. i had been slowly making progress. but then this happened and immediately it shot down any thought that i had made that i would somehow be more attractive to my boyfriend when i would be thinner. the whole situation just caused my confidence to deteriorate. i had really thought that through the whole time of me losing weight that i would progressively become more and more attractive to cube. but then this happened after i started which made me think that i should just stop trying. why should i try to be more attractive when that is going to be my reward? i know that's crazy to say, but i felt like that's what happened. we spent almost 5 years of the 6 we were a couple in separate states for months at a time and nothing like this ever happened... and then all of a sudden we both take vacations and are apart for 2 weeks and this happens. can you imagine how that makes one feel? it just made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. i had been so proud of myself that i went on vacation while on a diet and still lost weight. i was excited to show him my slightly smaller body and instead i get betrayed. it's all just very hard for me to swallow. it hasn't made me want to stop losing weight though. i just changed my focus. instead of wanting to become sexier for my boyfriend, i now just want to be smaller, healthier... i want to make OTHER people think i'm attractive. call it jealousy, or whatever, but i kind of want some random guy to stare at me because he thinks i'm hot.

anyway, i'm still going through a rough time, but it's getting better. every once in a while i feel like this all happened to punish me for some reason... other times i feel like it happened to send me a sign that i'm wasting my time... and other times i don't think about it and i just focus on the past 6 years and how far we've come and how close i usually feel to him. i feel like if i was really meant to get a sign that this was not meant to be it would have been a bigger sign, a much more painful sign. as much as this hurt me, it could have been worse. but it wasn't. so that makes me think that it's just another fallen tree in our path that we have to figure out how to get over... and once i finally get over the tree, i'll be happier.

but happy anniversary cube. i don't know where we'll be another 6 years from now, but i see us still together, loving each other more than we do now. i didn't use to think that you could love someone MORE as time went on, but i know that our love is stronger than it was 6 or even 3 years ago. so 6 years from now, it will be even greater. thank you for everything you've sacrificed for me, our relationship can only go up from here.