so it's practically christmas. cube and i did christmas yesterday. he got me some awesome presents. i helped him out this year and made a list - i don't know if it helped or hindered him, but he did a good job with it. i love my gifts. he's very thoughtful when it comes to gifts. even the silly ones. i always appreciate that. i think he liked what i gave him, but it wasn't as much as i'd have liked. i just didn't know what else to look into. oh well.

anyway, christmas started off pretty damn shitty. cube has a way of infulencing me without realizing it. he would come over and bitch and complain about christmas and how much of a hard time he's having and i just had to sit there and listen. but it's hard for that kind of stuff not to quash my own feelings of christmas. so i haven't been as excited this year. it's really been a downer. it'll be christmas in just a few minutes and i'm not the least bit excited. i have nothing really to be excited for, i guess. i mean, the presents are all under the tree already. i've even opened some. cube and i did ours already, those are pretty much all the ones i'd be surprised about. tomorrow, when my mom and i finish our christmas, it'll be evening because she works tomorrow... so by then i won't be excited, or anxious... this whole year was just kind of a let down in terms of holiday cheer.

actually this year in general was a let down. i'll get more into it in my year in review, but really... i feel shitty about 2005. i had such great expectations. maybe that was my downfall. i thought 2005 would be a great year and it turned out to be a really bad year all around. i hope it's not a sign of how the years will continue to pan out. i don't think i could take that. the majority of the shitty-ness i feel from the year was between cube and i. which is even worse. i feel like he's a huge, loud, vivid part of my life and when something goes wrong with that part of my life, it carries through to other parts as well. where-as with him - i'm really a quiet part of his life. he's focused on other things right now. school, or career... which his career is really going for him right now, so he's all good. the loud, vivid part of his life is looking good. which is good for him. who cares about the shadows and whether or not they're at 100% when the sunlight is so beautiful, right? maybe 2006 will bring us a better year. i hope anyway.