tragedy strikes
Tuesday, May. 29, 2007 - 1:00 am

random thought: live life like there's no tomorrow... there might not be

tragedy struck my little world last week. on thursday, may 24th, cube's father passed away. the man who raised him to be the wonderful boyfriend he is, is gone. and i never got to meet him. the one member of his family that i actually looked forward to someday meeting... is gone. cube, of course, is distraught. his world has been turned upside down. and i haven't exactly been helping with that. my first thought when he told me the news, after the initial upset for his wellbeing... was that he might leave me. what kind of person am i? his father dies and i think he might leave me because his mother will need him even more now and he'll get out of the house less, and i'll see him less... and therefore i think he'll leave me? i'm terrible. he comes to me to grieve and all the while i think "what if this is the last time i see him?" how can i? how can i be so selfish in his time of need? i am so disgusted with myself for thinking such thoughts when he has neither said nor done anything to make be think them.

i just wish i could be there with him. i wished i could have been there before... when his father was alive and visiting the hospital every so often for various pains and illness. but after i knew the outcome of this last visit i'd wished even more that i could have aided him in the process sooner. i wanted to be there in the middle of it. like it were really my family too. but it's not. it can't be. i understand that. i accept that. it doesn't make it any easier. i must help from a distance as hard as that may be. he said his parents were close to their 50th anniversary. they both are in their mid-70's. cube and i will be in our mid-60's when our 50th anniversary rolls around. i want us to see that day. i want us to see many anniversaries after that day. i want to see the 55th, the 60th, the 65th, the 70th! i want to be old and wrinkled and grey with him. i want us to grow old together. i want us to have many many good years together. so far, we have few, but we're on our way.

right now, i'm feeling a little depressed... a little worried about cube... a little disappointed... hopefully these things will resolve over the next days and weeks as it gets easier.