emotions run high sometimes
Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003 - 12:07 am

i dont normally add entries like this... but seeing as i'm updating more often and am trying to be more "real" i thought i'd let my emotions slide tonight. i just wrote this letter to my therapist, davis. yes, a therapist. my college offers free mental health counseling and i take full advantage. i have done so since my first week of college. it's been very helpful... and it's most definitely helped me maintain my full time college status. if it had not been for davis, i would have quit college and would most likely be working at the local supermarket. sorry shop rite, you missed out. anyway, i wrote this letter to davis:

i'm sitting here... feeling frustrated and hurt... and wondering why this is so wrong. i almost cut. i went and got a knife. i slowly scrapped it across my skin. i was intending to slowly saw back and forth. but then i thought about you and what you would say. how you would get that hurt look in your eyes. and somehow that stopped me. somehow i feel like i'd be letting you down. in so many ways, i think of you like a family member. i think about you during my bad days and during my good days. i wonder what you'd say. lately i've felt very distant from chris. i find myself pushing him away a lot. he irritates me more easily and i blow up at him. today i blew up at him. he was asking me for suggestions for gifts to give his grandmother for her birthday in two days. i declined. he insisted. i told him that he wouldn't use my suggestions anyway even if i offered them. he told me that it'd just be better to have more items to think about. i know he wont use my suggestions because he never does. he always asks me for help and then never takes my advice, my suggestions, or actually let me help in any way. so i wind up standing there watching him do it all himself. this makes me frustrated. i know he is obsessive about the way things need to be done. i've diagnosed him with obsessive compulsive disorder because even at the times when i've tried to physically help him, he winds up redoing things right after i do them anyway, so then what's the point in my doing them first? i feel like he feels obligated to include me. this frustrates me even more. why should he feel like he needs to let me "help" him when he knows that he's going to come right behind me and fix it so it's the way he wants it. i even know how he wants a lot of things and he still redoes them just because. he wonders why i get angry at him for pushing me to help him. he constantly asks me opinion on things... "just for your input" he says. like it really matters. maybe he cares about what i think, but what i think doesn't make an impact on his decision, so my thought is always "why should i bother?" today for instance. i dont know his grandmother at all. i dont know what she likes or what she doesnt. he asks me to suggest things. fine, i suggest things like clothes, bath stuff, aromatherapy, stationairy, plants - he likes none of these. so i say i'm done suggesting. he asks me to just suggest some more. this makes me angry because #1 - i just suggested a bunch of vague things that he didnt like #2 - i couldnt even begin to keep suggesting unless i sat and thought for a little while again #3 - i dont want to keep suggesting. i dont want to keep suggesting because he either wont like it, or she wont like it. either way, it makes no difference what i say. when he keeps insisting, i start listing any and all products that come to mind, or that i can see where i'm sitting. he doesnt like this either... "are you just listing things you're seeing around your room?" he asks. yes, of course that's what i'm doing, i feel like you're forcing me to speak like a dog on command! i dont know how to handle this situation. i dont know what he wants from me... or why he keeps insisting i help him. i dont know what to do when these feelings of frustration keep mounting and i wind up yelling at him and telling him how nothing i say or do is ever good enough for him so why doesnt he just stop asking? it reminds me of my father and him forcing me to do things against my will. why does he need me to do this? have i signed some invisible contract in which i must help him make decisions and shop for his family even tho i dont know one thing about either?

i feel so lost and alone. what am i doing wrong?

i know chris will read this. he reads my diary. i dont know if he will read this tonight though. we may have resolved our issues by tomorrow or whenever before he reads this. i'm afraid of what he'll think, but i'm more in need of an outlet for my feelings. especially since i cant let him be my outlet. i try, but it blows up in my face. i yell and say "fuck" too many times. i do that when i'm angry.