me: an explanation
Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003 - 10:41 pm

ok, so i decided that you all should know more about me... you are inside my mind and all. so here's me in a fairly large nutshell:

July 13, 1982 - i am born.

my first memory is of being outside in the back yard crawling in the grass. i could probably walk at this point, but i was crawling never-the-less. i think i might have been chasing my shadow.

john, aka the jerk, my father, has always been abusive. as long as i can remember. i have distinct memories of abuse from him. i have no fond memories of him. he never sexually abused me, thank god. for example, when trying to teach me to ride a bike, i hit a rock and flew over the handlebars skinning both knees (which are still scarred today) and both hands. he picked up the bike and walked home leaving me crying in the middle of the street. for example, when attempting to answer the door, i had made a play area in the middle of the floor. instead of walking around my play area, he picked me up and threw me aside ramming me into a table and the wall. i walked with a limp for weeks.

i used to pray that my parents would get a divorce. they fought constantly and i would lock myself in my room and try to drown them out with music. i had been taking dance classes since i was two, so i would dance to the music and put on shows for my stuffed animals. i would ask god why i had been so bad and why he was punishing me with a bad father. he never answered.

i kept up the dance classes until i was 18, 16 years of my life. i loved dance and i was pretty good. but i got sick. i got mono for the second time my senior year of high school and it was difficult to finish that last year of dance... i could only take a couple classes instead of my usual packed schedule.

i took piano lessons for a few years when i was younger until my teacher started pressuring me... she wanted me to do this for a living because i was talented enough. she wanted to book me for concerts and start my life as a pianist. i dropped it.

i was co-editor-in-chief of my high school yearbook. i was in all the plays/musicals. i was in the choir and the core choir. the regular choir was open to anyone who took the basic choir class. in order to be in the core choir, you had to audition and be accepted by the choir director. i was also a soloist.

i took art classes for many years. both my parents are really good artists. i have paintings of my mother's and i think they're awesome. i was pretty good. i never really got into it, but i liked being able to show off in art class at school because that stuff was cake compared to the stuff i could do.

i graduated high school 13th in my class with a 99% overall grade. we didnt do real gpa grades. i'm now attending college at dickinson college. i'm in the theater club. i dropped pretty much everything else i used to do.

i began cutting sometime before i got to the double digit ages. my father's abuse was too much for me. i got obsessed with fire for a while and used to like to burn my fingers to a nice red. i'm probably depressed... my father is manic depressed and takes all kinds of psychological meds. he sees and psychologist and a psychiatrist and lies to them both. i hate him and i hate his family. they're all rude to me and manipulative.

when i got to high school, i was corrupted. i had started dating people in middle school. brian was my first real boyfriend. he broke up with me because i didnt hold his hand one day. we got back together and then he broke up with me because i didn't want to kiss him. i dated justin for a few weeks. i went black. but i came back. he dumped me because he thought he couldnt trust me. i dated mike. he messed with my head. he manipulated me and abused me just like my father. i felt right at home with him. then i was friends-with-benefits with tim. he was dating other girls. he had about 3 girlfriends at once and i enjoyed hearing about how he made each one think she was his one and only. we hung out almost every day, so i felt like he went out and messed around, but always came home to me. i was like the mistress in a whore house except none of the whores knew they were being played. then i started dating chris. we changed each other for the better. i coaxed him out of his hermit shell and he coaxed me out of my iron lung. we're great for each other.

i currently suffer from asthma and allergies. however, i have a developing heart condition... my heart and brain do not communicate well causing me dizzy spells and a couple faiting spells. i also think i have some psychological damage, but i havent been diagnosed with anything. i'm sure this will come later on.