today was my day off... i did a whole lot of nothing really. went to first aid where we practiced splints, then i headed over to talk to davis. that was interesting. i told him about jay. he was really sorry for me and asked if i cut because of it. we have this thing he told me to do... hold an ice cube on my skin instead of cutting. he told me that if i used up two whole ice cubes and still wanted to cut that it was something really serious and that i should write it down and talk to him about it. anyway, i told him that one ice cube sufficed... but that i had used multiple ice cubes over the course of the week. i told him about my feeling selfish and he said that he didn't think it was selfish to feel sad and to cry and to want to go to the viewing because i did know jay. he said if i'd have been a pity-whore (yes, he said pity-whore) then that would be selfish, but since i simply went to the viewing and expressed grief and then went through some more grief when i came back and told jeff about it - that it was fine and normal. he said sure, it's sadder for other people... like his family and those friends who were really close to him. but it's sad for you too. just in a different degree. that made me feel better. he also asked me how i felt about taking medication for depression. he said it might help me not to worry so much and not to dread all the bad things that could happen in life. i do that often. i see the negative side of things more often than i see the positive side. anyway, he told me to think about it and to let him know how i felt about it next time we talk. he did ask me my first thoughts though... but i can't really say i had any. i'm not totally against taking medication. i take meds for my allergies and birth control for my acne, to regulate my period (i went a whole year without getting my period at all before i was put on the pill), and of course to prevent any little babies from developing. my life will most likely always involve medication, i dont think i have any way around it. but i'm not gung-ho all-for taking depression meds either. i dont want to feel dependant on a drug to form my personality. i guess that's my worst fear - if i start taking meds for depression, my whole outlook on life is going to change a little bit... so would that mean i'd be a different person? would my friends like the new midge? or ever worse - would cube like the new midge? i think part of my personality is making sarcastic jokes, making fun of negativity. a lot of people like the fact that i can be blunt about negativity. i can be blatantly mean if i have to be. that doesn't come up to often, thank goodness, but it's there when i need it... would that be gone? my father takes medication for depression... my mom always told me the meds made him "so much better" - but i dont remember a difference. he was mean to me as a kid and he's still mean to me now - sure, he's a lot less mean, but i attribute that to the fact that i'm a grown "adult" now and not a kid that he can pick up and sling over his shoulder if he needs to.

i dont know. i dont know what to do. i mean, it's not up to davis anyway, he can't prescribe me anything, he'd have to have me go see some other guy who would assess me and see if he thought i needed them. which would probably mean i'd have to spill my guts to him - fabulous. we'll see i suppose. i'm just getting nervous... i mean, this is my last year of free therapy. what the heck am i going to do when i graduate? i rely on davis to help me through my life. i mean, sure, i make it through my summers... but ever summer so far, i've cut... i haven't been able to make it the whole summer without resorting to my old habits... and if i really am put on medication this year... what would happen with that when i graduate? ARG - nothing i need to worry about now i guess... there i go, worrying again...

i can tell you a couple things i'm not worried about - my father and my father's mother. at some point between sunday and today, two things happened.

ONE: the jerk's mother had a heart attack. ok. i know what you're thinking - "a heart attack! omg! that's horrible! and big!" well... not really. she had a bypass like 6 years ago or something and all that happened was the bypass expired. i know - they expire? yes. apparently, a bypass only lasts for so many years... apparently around 6. so yeah, she's in the hospital.

TWO: the jerk went to go see his mother in the hospital and got lost in the dark on the way home and instead of stopping and asking for directions, he drove and drove and got frantic (like he always does) and finally decided to make a u-turn in the middle of a 4 lane highway and broad-sided another car. apparently the whole front of his car is crushed. everyone was ok. he got a ticket for making an illegal u-turn, had to pay to get the car towed someplace and is now carless.
NOW - lets all remember back to this past december. i got into a car accident in his car (a grey 1993 saturn). i was approaching a green light at the full speed limit when the car in front of me slammed on his brakes. i, in turn, slammed on my brakes and the person behind me (whom i believe was speeding) slammed on her brakes. well, i stopped in time and didn't hit anyone. i was just about to sigh in relieve when i was shoved forward with enough impact to flatten the car's seat to the lay-down position. my car was totalled (thank goodness i wasn't driving my own car!). my father contacted insurance and what not and was able to get a replacement car (a red 1996 saturn). i'd say he got the replacement about mid to late january. yeah, that car had a long stay with my father before committing suicide. i dont blame it. anyway, he's carless once again so now my mom is driving my dad to the hospital. poor mom.

oh well, seems nothing is going right for now. hopefully things will look up soon! at least for me if no one else.