when i figured out that this was the month of Taurus... and that this was the time for tons of challanges... boy is that ever the truth. now, more than ever, my life is being turned upside down. they say that for every ounce of progress you make during this time it will equal tons of progress any other time of the year. well, it sure is hard to make progress right about now.

not only am i going through changes spiritually, but i'm trying to start making changes to my physical self. and then on top of all that, there are changes occuring all around me. i have now been out of college for a year, cubee's just about to get out of college. we're both looking for jobs and eventually a place to live... it's just all happening at once here. and at the hardest time of the year!

and of course, with all this change, i feel very lost and doubtful. part of my spiritual growth is learning to accept things as they are presented to me and changing my attitude so that things presented to me become better rather than simply wishing things around me to change. i need to become more proactive in my own life and any obstacles in my way. but at the same time, all this new awareness of myself and my surroundings makes me, obviously, more aware that some things are working properly and some things are not.

unfortunately, one of the things i've noticed that is ever changing, has always made me nervous, but just recently made me really panic, was my relationship with cubee. when we first started going out, our relationship was very hard. i pushed a lot. but cubee just wouldn't give up. at the time it was highly annoying to me - all i wanted to was him to leave so that i could feel heartbroken that i'd lost someone that might have been perfect for me. yes, it sounds idiotic and of course i didn't see it that way at the time, but now that i'm past that point in my life it's obvious that's what i was doing. thankfully cubee saw the connection between us that i just couldn't (or wouldn't) see. he allowed me to see how much it hurt him when i pushed him away and that hurt me. eventually a light bulb clicked on and i saw that i didn't really want to push him, i just needed someone able to push back. anyway, that whole process basically lasted our whole first year together. after that it's been fairly smooth sailing. NO, we are not perfect. YES we fight over STUPID shit. everyone does. just because you see us looking happy doesn't mean we dont have our differences. i am very much a cancer, when i get angry or upset a clam up and want to hide, but most times i just need someone to pick up the shell and hold it tight until i feel safe enough to emerge. ok, that got a little philisophical there, but you know what i mean. no couple is perfect, everyone has their differences. jessica simpson isnt lying when she says that sometimes that glass slipper doesnt fit because you're retaining water... and most times the solution to a fight between you and your significant other is pretty much just as simple as taking a water pill - sure the water pill makes you pee all day long, but damn it, that shoe will fit by the time you need to hitch a ride in your pumpkin and go to the ball! ok, i'm getting carried away. my point here is that lately, although i feel the same connection with cubee, i feel our relationship straining with the upcoming situation. by next weekend, cube will be a college graduate like me. of course one problem still persists - no job! however, the impending doom of moving in together... of making a life for ourselves... of eventually getting engaged... and then getting married... of needing to be financially secure before pretty much any of that can occur. i feel it. i can feel the weight of it. i know some of it is excitement; i'm ready to move out and live with cube. i've really enjoyed living with my mom, but it's time to move on. sure it'll be more expensive, but it needs to happen. for both of us. that is one of the good changes. but the weight of failure, of not being able to support myself weighs on my mind. and then the engagement... there's a lot of anticipation for that on my part. i know it's not going to happen any time soon... i know cube needs a job before he can even think about affording a bauble to represent our love... but then sometimes that me from the first year of our relationship shows up and says "what if he doesn't propose? what if he doesn't care enough to do that? what if he doesn't want to get married?" and then that other voice that says "hey, isn't your love enough? why do you need to validate that by getting married? what does that prove? what does it all mean? is that just society telling you that you have to go through the motions?" and it all just makes me sick. it makes me sick with worry and sick with nerves and sick with anticipation.

BAH! i feel like i'm going crazy. i dont know what to do with myself half the time anymore. and after that last visit with him that was really disasterous... it just makes that me from the first year of our relationship so much more reason to come back and haunt me... and taunt me. like a little annoying "i told you so" - like it's saying "i told you that you couldn't find true happiness at such a young age"

half the time i dont know what to do anymore. hopefully everything clears up soon. i could really use some clarity.